Tears of the Soul
by lullabyJN
Summary: Takes place after the first few episode of season four. "He slowly put the gun up to his head just as Dean started to yell and run towards him." Will Dean be able to save Sam? Major!limp Sam, Angst/worried Dean. R
1. Awaken to a nightmare

**Tears of the soul**

**Disclaimer: Sadly just borrowing the brothers for a while. Don't know anything.**

**AN: Please read and if you could review that would be great. IMPORTANT QUESTION in the note at the bottom!! Enjoy.**

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Sam slowly woke from his restless sleep when he heard the soft rustling coming from the right of his bed. He opened his eyes, his hand already reaching under his pillow ready for an attack. As he slowly turned over and opened his eyes, he let out a small sob at what he saw. He thought back to how many times he had already been through this. He slowly sat up with the gun from under his pillow still held tightly in his hand. He flinched when he finally heard him talk.

"Sammy? You okay man?"

Sam sat there shaking, trying to get out of this dream. He had been through it so many times, and he wasn't sure how long he would last, before he took action to wake up from his dream. He got up from the bed still holding his gun and stood there looking into the confused face of Dean.

"Sammy? Why are you holding that? Why don't you put it down huh?"

"No! Not again. Just leave me alone. Haven't you done this to me enough times? Please." Sam whimpered as he stood there holding out the gun.

Sam was waiting for Alastair to allow him to wake up, but after a moment he realize nothing would happen. He hated this dream just as much as the other. He knew what it would take to wake up, but wasn't happy about doing it. He thought back to the first time it had happened. It was the night Dean had died. He remembered listening to Deans screams and yells for him to help. After a while of that torture he woke up, and that night he cried himself to sleep. The next night it was this same dream. The one where Dean was still alive. He was so scared that he ran from the hotel room and ended up getting hit by a car. He knew he should have died, but all that happened was him waking up in the middle of the night, in Bobby's guest room.

Even after he left Bobby's the dreams still kept coming, alternating between watching Dean getting tortured, and Dean still being alive. It was a never-ending cycle up until a couple of days ago. His dream was instead of Dean returning from hell, alive and well. It was the best dream Sam had had in four months, but he new it wouldn't last.

So here he was back into the old cycle preparing for the only way out he knew of. He slowly put the gun up to his head just as Dean started to yell and run at him.

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Dean was trying to be quiet as he was digging through his duffel looking for his favorite flannel tee shirt. As he was doing so, he heard a rustling coming from the other bed, knowing that Sam was probably waking up. He kept at his digging, but stopped when he heard a quiet sob coming from Sam's bed. Dean turned to look over at him watching as Sam slowly got up into a sitting position. Right away he noticed the gun that was being tightly held in his little brothers hand.

"Sammy? You okay man?" As Dean asked this he watched as Sam visibly flinched.

Confusion clouded his face as he watched Sam sit there shaking in what looked like fear and sadness. Soon though as Sam stood up, still not releasing his hold on the gun, his confusion changed to worry.

"Sammy? Why are you holding that? Why don't you put it down huh?" Dean asked in a placating manner, trying to get Sam to let it go before he did something stupid.

As he started to take a step toward Sammy though he heard Sam whimpering. As he heard the words coming out of his mouth, he stopped in his tracks. He didn't understand what Sammy meant, and was unsure of what to do. Dean watched as Sam just stood there looking at him with a face full of such anguish that it hurt Dean just to watch.

Dean remembered a saying he heard once about eyes being the gateway to the soul, and at that moment he saw it. A look of such sadness and hurt that he knew had never been there before. He watched as tears started to slowly weave intricate patterns down his face. He didn't understand what was going through Sam's mind, but at that moment he knew. He understood that something had hurt his little brother. So bad that Dean was unsure if he would ever be able to help Sam heal it. Just as sudden as suddenly as Sam had started crying he stopped, and a look of resignation came over him. Dean could only watch as Sam slowly raised the gun up to his head.

As the full realization came to Dean of what was happening, he snapped into action.

"Sammy!" Dean cried in fear as he ran the short distance between himself and Sam, tears collecting in his eyes.

A few moments after the anguished cry of an older brother, a gunshot could be heard coming from the nondescript motel room.

**AN: So how was it? Good? Bad? Please review and let me know what you thought. Also if you could, I am unsure of the direction to end this story, or if I should even continue. I have three roads and I was wondering if you could help me choose. Please tell me your choice, even if that's all you have to say.**

**The bullet reaches its intended mark. (Death fic).**

**The bullet doesn't hit for a kill shot, but still hits Sam (will be fluff, and chick flick).**

**Dean gets there in the knick of time. (fluff and chick flick).**

**This would help me tons. Thank you so much for reading. **

**Lots of love**

**-lullabyJN**


	2. Big brother's here

**Tears of the Soul**

**Disclaimer: Sadly, I still don't own the boys, oh well I am content with keeping them in my dreams. =**P

**AN: Okay so this story so far has the most reviews I have ever had. So to all of you who reviewed, I thank you. It is always nice to check your email and have reviews. Totally makes my day. Enjoy!! **

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Dean reached Sam, and managed to tackle him to the ground even through the tears clouding his vision. Immediately after hearing the gunshot ring out through the bedroom, he heard the distressed cry of the little brother beneath him. He stopped the steady flow of tears, and rolled off Sammy preparing himself for what would be awaiting him. As soon as Dean caught sight of Sammy he gasped.

Sam laid their tears in a never-ending flow coming out from underneath closed lids, holding on to his right leg, trying to stop both the pain, and the blood flow. Dean took immediate action, as he felt Sam grab hold of his arm.

"Oh God, Sammy. Hold on okay? Hold on."

Dean carefully took hold of Sam, and with a slight grunt, he cradled him in his arms.

"Stay with me Sammy okay? I'll make it better I promise. Calm down Sammy, I'm here now Sammy, I'm here." Dean kept up a steady stream of words while he held Sam.

He walked the few steps over to Sam's bed, and gently laid him down. As soon as he did so, Sam tried to curl up and quiet his sobs. Dean ran into the bathroom and grabbed their first aid kit and brought it back out to the room. He laid it down onto the bed next to Sam and let a few tears fall as he saw the state of his little brother.

"How has it gotten this bad Sammy? I know it hurts buddy, I know. Just hold on and I'll fix you right up okay?"

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As Sam lay on the bed, he felt a fire in his leg, and it started to advance upwards. He felt a presence near him and knew it was Dean. He reached out and found his brothers hand and held on for all he was worth. He heard Dean talking, and concentrated to try to understand what had happened. After a few moments he realized what was going on, and heard Dean talking to him, warning him. He turned his face and opened his eyes to slits.

"Sammy? Hey Kiddo. Sam, you have to let go. I have to check your leg."

Sam let go of his brother's hand and his leg, and thought about what was happening. He thought that by know he would have woken up, and didn't understand why he was still caught up in this nightmare. He wished that he could just wake up, and drink away his frustrations, but he knew that Alastair would keep him in this as long as he was hurting. Sam decided that as long as he was stuck, he might as well get as much out of it as he could, because he knew the next nightmare would be ten times worse.

As soon as Sam decided this, he felt the fire go white hot, numbing it for a mere moment. He let out a shout of pain, and tried to get away from the source of the pain.

"Dean, gahhhh. God it hurts De. Please make it stop, Please." Sam whimpered and felt Dean give his hand a tight squeeze.

He again attempted to pull into himself, but was held back by a gentle hand on his leg, and chest. He realized it was Dean, and listened to the words that were being murmured.

"Shhh Sammy. It's okay. Big brother is here and gonna take care of you. Now I know this is gonna hurt, but I have to fix up your leg okay?"

Sam nodded his head and let out small whimper, taking comfort in the fact that he got to spend a little bit of time with Dean. Even though he was in pain he wouldn't trade in any time with Dean, real or not, for anything.

Sam watched Dean as he got ready and focused on memorizing everything about him. He knew that this was all he would have to hold on to in the upcoming days. He kept watching until he felt a tight grip on his hand. He looked down at the connected hands, and back up to Dean's face as he again heard Dean talk to him.

"Sammy, Sammy? Are you with me? I'm gonna have to get the bullet out then clean and stitch the wound. It's gonna hurt but just hold on to my shirt. I'll be extra careful. Remember take deep breaths, and try to relax."

At hearing this Sam nodded his head and prepared himself for the pain he knew was gonna come. He knew he would be safe with Dean there.

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Dean had out all the supplies and he took one last look at his brother, who had his eyes tightly closed ready for what was to come. He took a deep breath, and carefully started to get the bullet out of his brother's leg. He immediately felt Sam's fist tighten to his shirt and heard the small whimpers of pain coming from his little brother.

"I know Sammy, I'm sorry. Try to relax, think of something else." Dean tried to calm his little brother down knowing that he was only making it worse by being tense.

"Remember when we first met the ghostfacers and we pulled that prank on them? With the dead fish and fake producer?" Dean saw a slight nod and kept up a conversation knowing that it was helping to keep Sam calm.

He carefully got out the bullet, and started to clean the wound, when he felt the tight hand on his shirt go lax. He looked over, and gladly noted that his brother had passed out. He carefully finished his ministrations, and cleaned up Sam's leg. He knew that it would be painful, and they would have to keep a close eye on it for the next couple of days. As soon as he had finished and had cleaned up, he got out the painkillers from the kit and a glass of water. He walked over to where Sam was laying and shook Sam to a state of slight awareness. He managed to get Sam to swallow the pills, before he immediately fell back into a deep sleep. Dean went and grabbed a chair and set it up next to Sam. He grabbed Sam's lax hand in his own, and watched over him while he slept.

As Dean sat there he replayed the last hour in his mind. He barely noticed when tears started to run down his face. He had no idea what was going on with Sam, but knew that he would have to be patient and do everything he could to help him through it. He continued to watch Sam waiting till he would wake up, hoping and praying to something he wasn't sure he believed in, that they would both come out of this.

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**AN: So…ya. I wrote an re-wrote this story three times before I decided it was good enough to post. I hope it made sense to ya'll (I had my sis go over it and make sure it was understandable, I was kinda all over the place). Please tell me what you thought. Any suggestions on what I need to do more or less of, what you liked or disliked, or what you want to happen. I'll take whatever even if it's one word!! Thank you so much for reading!**

**Lots of Love**

**-lullabyJN**


	3. The Waiting Darkness

**Tears of the soul**

**Chap 3-The Waiting Darkness**

**AN: Okay guys so here is the next chapter. This chapter wouldn't have been made possible without the help of snsw25kr14. She read my story and helped make it amazingly better, and longer! (So thank you very much). Please read, and enjoy!**

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**Dean sat, in the stiff chair that was placed by Sam's bed. He had the laptop out researching anything that he thought could be causing his brother such distress and anguish. He had been watching his brother for the past couple of hours. At first it seemed that Sam was resting peacefully, but that didn't last long. Soon he started to whimper and move restlessly. Dean knew he was in the middle of a nightmare. He moved from his chair and set the laptop on the old looking table. He gently sat down on the edge of the bed, being as careful as possible to not jostle Sam's leg.

"Sam. Sammy. Come on wake up man. It's just a dream. It's okay, I'm right here." Dean accompanied these words with gentle pats on the cheek.

After a couple of seconds Sam's eyes started to flutter. Dean encouraged him until they were fully open. Once Sam's eyes were open he noticed the dazed look and he waited patiently for Sam to awake some more. He helped prop Sam up but just long enough to get him to swallow a couple more pain pills, before he gently helped move him into a comfortable position before he once again slipped back into sleep.

It hadn't been but thirty minutes before the whimpers of his brother made him look up from the computer screen. His gut clenched at what was happening to Sam. He laid a gentle hand on Sam's shoulder and waited for him to quiet. It made him sick to think of what exactly was going on inside of his little brother's head. What was so bad that would make his Sammy want to kill himself?

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Sam once again found himself submerged in the pain and the darkness. The same fear and never ending grief that accompanied those four months. As he was forced to watch those four months of pure torture he unconsciously started to sob as it played over and over again. He knew after going through this, what was going to happen, but every time he had to watch, it seemed to hurt worse.

Out of the darkness he heard a voice. It was the one person he needed the most and he recognized the voice to be Deans. He slowly felt the darkness and the painful emotions start to lift as he began to regain some of his sense, and he felt a gentle tapping on his cheek. He slowly opened his eyes to see Dean leaning over him, worry and fear swimming in his green orbs.

He couldn't even begin to understand what was happening and he didn't want to. He soon concluded that, in this instance, it must be one of those times where he was having a nightmare within a nightmare. He knew Dean was around and it provided some relief, but he didn't want to pay attention. He needed to wake up and escape the darkness, but he didn't know how. He realized that Dean was trying to give him something and didn't object when the sweet relief of pain medication was put into his mouth. He tried to fight as hard as he could, but the ever-present darkness that was always looming consumed him and he once again fell asleep into the waiting nightmares and darkness.

It was always the same, the pain and the screams. It never stopped no matter how hard he struggled and pleaded. There was always the same scene. Sometimes he was forced to watch as Dean was brutally tortured. His screams of agony cutting through him like a knife, making the wound that much deeper. When he wasn't forced to watch Dean, he was forced to watch as the torture was done to his father. It killed him to see the two men that he had thought to be invincible crumble under the harsh words and bloody instruments that evil served to them.

To his surprise though, as suddenly as the 'movie' had started, it stopped, and Sam found himself alone in the dark. His panic started to rise, but was quieted some when he felt Dean's hand in his own. He waited in the darkness, not sure of what to do. Never had the 'movie' just stopped. He was always paid a visit. It scared him what was in store for him and so he laid shaking in the darkness. After what seemed like days to him, though it had only been hours, he felt another presence in the vast expanses of his mind.

Sam knew that whatever was in his mind was evil; he had been around evil long enough to know when it was near. Even the comforting hand of Dean's hand in his did nothing to squash the complete and total fear that was rising in him. He found the strength that he needed and rose from the cold depths of the ground that he had been occupying.

"Who are you? Come on, show yourself!" Sam screamed with as much courage as he could muster. Although he felt the tears enter his eyes at the person that stood in front of him

"Now, now Sammy, is that any way to treat your old friend?"

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Dean had been dreaming of a time when everything in his life was normal. His mom and dad were happily married. Sam was engaged and living the apple pie life he had always dreamed of. As for himself, well he was just content to love the cards he had been dealt and the happiness his family was experiencing. Unfortunately he awoke from his light sleep next to Sammy, when he felt the grip on his hand tighten to the point of pain. He turned his head towards his brother and felt panic rise in his throat. Sam's eyes were squeezed tight and he was physically shaking. It didn't take a genius to know his brother was absolutely terrified.

Dean hadn't seen Sam this scared in a long while, and had only seen him like this a handful of times. It was always caused by the fear of losing Dean or finding he himself in danger. In this situation though Dean was fine so he knew that whatever was happening was happening inside his little brother's mind. Dean was terrified for his brother because even though he was sitting not a foot from him there was absolutely nothing he could do. The worst feeling in the world was being completely helpless when it came to his family, especially his Sammy. He started to whisper anything he could think of to get through to Sam. Something that would bring his Sammy back to him.

"Sammy? I'm right here Sam, everything is okay. I promise, I'm here and nothing is going to happen to you. I'm not going anywhere. Don't worry I'll keep you safe."

If he had been paying attention maybe he would have seen the first twitch, but he didn't, and there was nothing he could do as he was forced to watch helplessly as Sam began to seize. He began to panic, he watched as blood began to leak from Sam's nose and ear's. He had never been around someone that seized much less his own brother.

He gently took hold of Sam's head and held it. The tears pooled in his eyes and he didn't wipe them away as they leaked out. His sole priority was Sam. His breath hitched as Sam began to stop seizing and just twitch. It seemed like the whole ordeal had been hours, when it was only a mere minute or so. He coughed and wiped his eyes. He knew Sam needed a hospital but the closet one was nearly eighty miles away. He sighed feeling drained and exhausted.

As he released his hands from Sam's head, he suddenly froze. He watched as Sam's chest didn't rise. It was then when he came to the startling realization that Sam wasn't breathing.

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**AN: So thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it, REVIEW!! All your reviews so far have helped me write more, and write better. Please keep my sister in your thoughts!! Thank you so much.****Lots of Love  
-lullabyJN**


	4. Warnings and Concerns

**Tears of the soul**

**Chap. 4-Warnings and Concerns**

**Disclaimer: Sadly I still don't own the boys…maybe in a couple more years, and 3 million more dollars. =0 **

**AN: So this is the next Chapter, and I again wanted to thank snsw25kr14 for her help in making this story better for ya'll. And thank you so much for all of your wonderful reviews. I am so happy you are enjoying my story, please continue to do so, it helps a lot. And I have some good news. We have heard from my sis, and she is now considerably safer than before…YAY. Enjoy this chap.**

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_"Now, now Sammy, is than any way to treat your old friend?"_

"Alastair" Sam whispered in shock at seeing the face of evil standing before him.

"Well, hello there Sammy, long time no see" Alastair chuckled while looking at the shock on the youngest Winchesters face.

"What do you want? Haven't you already done enough? Just please, leave me alone."

"Come on Sammy I just wanted to drop in and see how things were working out for you now. I mean with Dean back from hell and all."

Sam was wearily watching Alastair as he talked, but at hearing this his curiosity was peaked and he looked into his face, trying to discern whether he was telling the truth or not.

"What? Dean's still dead. He's not alive. I know what you're trying to do, and I won't fall for it this time. It was bad enough the first time" Sam responded with tears in his hazel depths.

"Oh come on, I was just having a little fun. I didn't mean anything by it, I swear, and besides that's all in the past. I'm telling the truth this time." Alastair said all of this with a look of innocence on his face. He was slowly walking closer to Sam as he talked, waiting for the opportune moment to strike with the final blow.

"You're lying. Dean is dead, you have made that perfectly clear" Sam said trying to sound confident, all the while inside he was breaking a little more.

"Come on Sam now you want to go into denial? The one time I'm telling the truth? Well if I were you I guess I would act the same. I mean I wouldn't want to have to face my brother who I sent to hell. I wouldn't want to have to bear the blame either. That would be rough I suspect, but it's your choice" Alastair continued nonchalantly as he watched Sam get angrier by the minute.

Sam knew that Alastair was right, and that Dean would probably place the blame on Sam, but he couldn't handle it anymore. He knew that he couldn't trust a demon, especially this one. As Alastair finished his little rant, Sam had reached his limit.

"You son of a bitch. Stop talking about Dean like you know him. When I wake up I will hunt your ass down and I will kill you. That's a promise!"

"Oh, that was a bad idea Sammy boy, and you will pay for it. We will meet again soon Sam, but know that I will not be the one that dies." Alastair sneered with a look of complete hatred on his face.

During this whole confrontation, Sam did not once even entertain the fact that Alastair might be telling the truth. But he didn't have any time to think about it, because the next thing he knew Alastair was advancing on him. With that, Alastair put his hand up to Sam's head, and he was engulfed into a pain like no other, until finally there was nothing.

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_It was then when he came to the startling realization that Sam wasn't breathing._

Dean stood for a moment more, staring at his brother, before he finally realized that Sam needed his help. With a river of tears running down his face, he quickly tilted Sam's head back and cleared his airways. He started to perform CPR, and as he did so he couldn't refrain himself from begging Sam to be okay.

"Sammy? Come on man. You can't just leave me like this. You got to come back to me, I can't be alone! Please Sam, please. I promise if you come back to me I'll quit being an ass and start acting like the brother that you need. "

Dean continued his whispered words for the next few minutes in between the life sustaining breaths, but was soon losing his hope. He was beginning to feel if all was lost, when he felt the tickling of Sam's breath on his cheek. He looked at Sam and noticed that his chest was now moving on its own, and he was starting to regain more color in his face, making him look just a little bit better.

After finally realizing that Sam was indeed breathing on his own, Dean could do nothing but sit there and hold on to Sam's hand and allow the tears to fall. He realized how close he came to losing his brother and it made him feel sick. He didn't like the feeling and he knew he needed to know that Sam was completely and totally okay before he would begin to relax. He felt a slight movement coming from his brother and a small moan. It gave him hope to see Sam's hazel eyes opening.

"De?" Sam asked as he tried to focus his confused eyes.

"Ya Sammy it's me. I'm here. You gave me quite the scare there little brother."

"Sorry" Sam couldn't find the energy to say anything else at the moment. He breathed deep willing the steady throb behind his eyes to go away and when it didn't he grimaced.

"What happened?"

"Well I was just about to ask you the same thing. I mean one moment you were sleeping and the next you were having a seizure. I mean you stopped breathing Sammy, I was scared you were gonna leave me."

"Oh. I guess that explains why I'm sore. I think I was having a nightmare" Sam sighed as he yawned, exhausted and not hardly able to muster the energy to keep his eyes opened. All he wanted to do was sleep.

Dean looked at his brother, knowing he needed to talk with Sam, but he didn't want Sam to become even sicker. It worried him how much Sam was sleeping, but he knew Sam had gone through a lot in the past day. He decided to not bombard Sam with any questions and just let him rest; the questions could wait till morning.

"Okay Sam, if you're sure. Why don't you go back to sleep though alright? I won't bother you with all my questions, but we need to talk about what's going on and I mean it. For now though just rest." Dean finished talking using a gentle but firm voice, that Sam would have no choice but to obey.

Dean watched as Sam's eyes briefly flickered with fear. He sighed, not able to understand what was happening with his brother. He hated feeling useless and not able to help Sam, the way he needed to be helped. As Sam's eyes closed and he drifted off to sleep, Dean grabbed the laptop.

He knew it probably wouldn't give him an answer, but it was worth a shot. The idea that something was going on inside of Sam's head made him shiver. It scared him to think what exactly could cause his brother to seize. The fear that he saw in Sam's eyes chilled him to the bone. He hadn't seen fear like that in a long time. He refused to allow Sam to sink any further in the ocean that he appeared to be drowning in. The only thing that he could promise himself and his sleeping brother was that he would save him. He refused to fail Sam anymore than he already had.

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**AN: Yay so there it is. A talk is definitely on the horizon for our boys!! Please review and tell me what you think. (Dude, if you are reading this months or years after it's been published…I STILL want a review!!!) =]**

**Lots of Love  
-lullabyJN**


	5. Just a Dream

**Tears of the soul**

**Chapter 5**

**Just a Dream**

**Disclaimer: Sadly the REAL boys don't belong to me…instead I have Barbie dolls I named after them…shhh don't tell anyone!!  
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**AN: Hey guys so I am really sorry about the long wait. My sister got back 3 weeks early and she is safe, so that is good. But I just got back from vacation with my family, and I haven't had access to a computer, but I wrote a lot down. This chapter and the next were inspired by the Grand Canyon. The first thing that comes to mind when we got there was Supernatural…weird right?!?! Oh well, it helped me to write. Another thanks to snsw25kr14....beyond freakin amazing! Please read and ENJOY!!! **

Dean continued with the cycle of light sleeping. He had yet to sleep more than an hour at a time. This was do to the fact that he kept checking on Sam, making sure he was breathing. He kept this up until the early morning hours, when he finally gave up on sleep. Thankfully, much to his relief, Sam's temperature had stayed down throughout the night, usually around 98.7 and was relieved that no more nightmares had made an appearance.

As the sun continued to rise so did Deans hope. He decided that physically Sam would bounce back without a problem, although he may be a bit sore from the seizure, and gunshot wound. However, mentally and emotionally he wasn't as confident. The dark circles that had formed under Sam's eyes, reminded him that his little brother had yet to have a truly decent night's sleep. Sam needed that and a good meal. It worried him that whatever was going on inside of Sam's head was causing him this much stress.

As it got later in the morning Dean left Sam's bedside and got himself cleaned up. He thought he would go out and bring back some breakfast before he woke Sam up. This would allow a little time to himself to gather his thoughts. He grabbed his jacket and car keys and decided that he didn't want to risk another suicide attempt. So he quickly gathered all the weapons that were in the room and anything he thought could be used as a weapon, he wasn't taking any chances while he was gone.

Before he left though, he stopped to write a note, and put it on the table in case Sam got up before he returned. He knew Sam would worry if he woke up in an empty motel room. He didn't want to cause Sam any unnecessary worry, so the note seemed like a good idea. He walked out to the Impala and admired her. Her beauty had been the only real home they had growing up. She was good to him and treated him far better than any real and breathing woman ever had. As he got in and started up the engine, he remembered the times he had spent in it with Sam, and wondering about the times Sam had spent in her alone while he was gone. It made his stomach ache to think of what Sam had been through when he was gone.

As he drove to the small greasy diner his worry for Sam increased. _What if Sam woke up and tried to get out of bed by himself? What if something or someone came to the room?_ Sam was completely defenseless. He made sure to not take any more time than needed. After ordering and getting their food he quickly got back into the Impala. As he drove back to the motel his thoughts swirled around Sam. _What was happening to Sam and why? Was it a demon, Lilith, or something else entirely?_ Before he knew it he had arrived back at the motel room. He had removed all the weapons from the room, but he didn't feel comfortable enough to stay in the room, with zero weapons. He was always prepared so he grabbed _**his**_ gun and knife just in case anything was to happen.

As he entered the motel room his stomach dropped. He felt panic and worry rise in his throat. Where one of the beds had previously been occupied they were now both empty. Before he had time to worry about where Sam might have gone, he heard the faucet running in the bathroom. He quickly dropped the food on the table and sprinted over to the bathroom. He tried to keep from getting sick at the site before him, and he knew it was something that was going to be burned into his memory, something he wouldn't soon forget.

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Sam fell back to sleep after his "meeting" with Alastair, feeling utterly and completely exhausted. He was grateful that, for some reason, this time he didn't dream. He instead found himself back in the dark expanses of his mind, though instead of feeling fear or panic, he felt peace. Not wanting to disrupt whatever had caused the peace he laid there, and for the first time in what felt like an eternity he well and truly rested.

Before he was ready he started to feel the pull back to reality. Slowly one by one he was able to acknowledge each of his senses, as they returned back to him. He stayed still for a moment, in the place between wakefulness and sleep. He desperately wanted to stay asleep, he didn't want to wake up and deal with Dean's questions and the constant worry in his eyes. Unfortunately his mind wasn't listening to what he wanted.

He finally woke all the way up, and made to get up to go to the bathroom, his bladder feeling ready to burst. He had not made it more than two steps when the worst pain in his life descended onto his leg. He crumpled to the ground, tears stinging his eyes. He looked down and saw a wound eerily similar to one he vaguely recognized from his dream the previous night. Tears started to flow, as the pain became increasingly worse. He limped into the bathroom, gritting his teeth against the dizziness. He refused to fall in this damn bathroom. He was stronger than that.

He stood in front of the mirror, and looked at his reflection not realizing how bad off he was. His eyes were starting to sink in slightly and dark circles were appearing under his eyes. His hair was wild and looked dirty. His skin felt gross and he really felt the need to shower. He didn't know if he had the strength to actually shower so he felt best to wait until Dean returned. If Dean came back and found out Sam had tried to shower on his own, shit would hit the fan.

As he sat there he all of a sudden remembered the dream in full detail. He remembered all that was going on, and the fact that he would have to go through this again once he went back to sleep. There would not be a Dean to worry about him, or questions to answer. In a quick and painful hit, he again came to the realization that Dean was dead, and it was all his fault.

He didn't realize just how much the nightmares were taking out of him. Sure, physically he felt weak. He looked like death had warmed over. Although he knew eventually he would recover physically, he was starting to worry about his mental and emotional state. His mind felt like it was trapped in darkness and constant pain. His head always ached after a nightmare and he felt like a child. A child that needed a parent or older sibling to constantly remind them that monsters weren't real. Only in his case monsters were real, very, very, real.

He had never before had a wound carry over from his dreams into the waking world, _but then again_, he thought_, all the others had been fatal_. He figured it was Alastair's way of more pain for Sam and more humor for himself. It made him sick to feel the pain in his leg. _Was this what Dean went through or was it worse? _He shook his head and knew without a doubt what Dean had gone through was definitely way worse than what he had gone through, no questions asked. It was his job as a Winchester to suck it up and deal with the pain, but that didn't mean it was going to be easy.

As he stood there he started to think about the dream, not even acknowledging the pain it would cause him later. He remembered the way Dean had taken such good care of him, gentle hands and soothing words that calmed his damaged soul. He could still fell the presence of Dean in the room. The tears started to fall faster, and he could do nothing to stop them. This trick Alastair had pulled had hurt the most, and he wasn't sure how much more he could take, before he broke completely. One man could only take so much and he was only human.

Sam crumpled to the floor as he thought this, not even noticing his wounded leg, and sobbed. He curled in on himself on the floor of the dirty bathroom, and sobbed for all he had lost, and for all those he could not save. He was so absorbed in his grief that he failed to notice the door swinging open and a figure walk in. His grief and sorrow, pain and fear, were beginning to consume him. He was losing who he had once been. He was so lost in his thoughts that he also missed the whispered words from this stranger.

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"Oh my god Sammy, what happened?"

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**AN: So what did ya'll think? Was it good, bad, okay?!?! What do you guys want to see happen between the brothers next?? I know it was kinda short but it will have more fluff coming up soon. The next chapter will be up in a couple of days I already have it written….I'm excited!! Please drop a review…they help SO much more than you could ever know!!**

**Lots of Love**

**-lullabyJN **


	6. Was it the Truth?

**AN: Hey so I am sooo sorry about the long wait. But I pretty much love this chapter!! Please read and review. Enjoy!  
Disclaimer: Don't own ANYTHING!!!**

**Chapter 6**

**Was it the truth?**

_He was losing who he had once been. He was so lost in his thoughts that he also missed the whispered words from this stranger._

Sam sat there sobbing his heart out for the loss of Dean and was startled when he felt someone take a hold of him. His instincts as a hunter and years of training demanded that he fight. The tears continued to run down his cheeks but he just didn't see the point in fighting when he had nothing left to fight for. He continued to weakly thrash and try to get away until he finally registered the familiar words coming from a familiar voice.

"Sammy, stop it's me, Dean. Please Sammy, I'm here."

As these words finally registered, Sam gradually slowed his movements and looked up through a barrier of tears. As he focused, he felt the familiarity of the hold he was in, and recognized the faint smell that was Dean. Sure enough he saw Dean staring down at him as he stared upwards. There was more concern and worry in his big brother's eyes than he had seen in a long time. He hated the look because he knew he was causing it.

Slowly in a sense of awe Sam reached his hand up and grabbed a hold of Dean's amulet, feeling the solidness of it, knowing that his brother wasn't a hallucination. As he held the amulet he started to cry again, though this time it was in relief. His brother was here, supporting him and not running in the other direction. It gave him some sense of relief and hope. He allowed himself to be held tightly by Dean as he himself held on for dear life. Sam felt that Dean's presence was a blessing and he decided not to question it, at least not right away.

After a while longer of sitting in Dean's arms on the bathroom floor, he was able to reduce his tears to a slow trickle. He was enjoying the moment between him and his brother and wanted it to last forever. Moments like this were rare for them, with Dean not doing "chick-flick" moments and Sam always wearing his heart on his sleeve, it made him feel good that for a while it was just Dean and him. Life had a way of hating him though and sooner or later reality would come crashing back down on his shoulders. He was pulled out of his thoughts when Dean spoke.

"Hey kiddo, you think you can get up or do you want some help?"

Sam until that moment, had forgotten about his leg, but at the reminder the pain suddenly decided to return with a vengeance. He knew he wouldn't be able to make it very far on his own, so he reached his hand up to Dean. As they walked Dean kept up a constant chain of encouragements.

"Almost there buddy, you're doing well, it's just a few more steps to go. Here I'll help you lay down then we can eat okay?"

Once Sam was settled all he could do was nod his head in agreement, to tired for words. He sat and watched as Dean went over and gathered the breakfast from where he could only assume Dean had dropped it in his haste to get to him. To his surprise Dean returned to the bed Sam was on and also sat down to eat. He was grateful that Dean had chosen to sit next to him, it is what he wanted, even if he didn't know it.

He was eating his fruit salad and drinking his orange juice while thinking back over the previous day and night. He couldn't understand why Dean had come back. This triggered him to remember the conversation he had with Alastair, and he wondered. What if he had been telling the truth, what if Dean really was back? Where would that put there relationship, did they even still have one?

So many questions swirling around in his brain were beginning to give him a headache. Before he knew it he was done with his breakfast. He couldn't help but look over and study Dean. He had heard the reassuring words and felt the strong arms that held him and yet he was still in slight disbelief and shock. Maybe, just maybe, Dean was really back. That thought gave him enough hope to want to beat Alistair.

DW*DW*DW*DW*DW*DW*DW*DW*DW*DW*DW

_ "Oh god Sammy, what happened?"_

Dean watched as Sam lay curled into a ball, and sobbed. The enormously tall frame of his little brother was so much smaller than he could have imagined. He didn't know how in the world his kid brother had managed to make himself so little looking, but he knew it couldn't be good. No one curled themselves into a ball and sobbed, especially when that someone was Sam.

He felt his heart clench, the feeling of helplessness making him desperate to do something. As his big brother instincts kicked in he just grabbed Sam, without thinking. That was a bad move on his part. Almost immediately Sam began to thrash and try to get away, even in his state of mind the years of training demanded he at least try and fight. He knew that Sam could easily knock him on his ass, but the poor kid was so out of it, so broken that he didn't even register it wasn't an assailant holding him, but his own brother.

"Sammy, stop it's me, Dean. Please Sammy, I'm here."

Dean was on the verge of crying himself throughout his talking. Finally though, Sam started to calm down and was able to recognize him. He maneuvered Sam into his lap like he used to do when they were younger and kept a firm hold. He was afraid of what would happen if he let go. He looked down and watched as Sam slowly and carefully put his hand up to Dean's amulet and held on as tears once again started to fall. Dean's heart broke as he saw just how deep Sam's wounds were, but all he could do was hold on tighter. The kind of emotional damage that Sam was going through didn't happen over night. The physical anguish that was so apparent on his baby brother's face made his own heart break a little more. He could absolutely nothing, at this point except hold onto Sam for all he was worth.

As Dean sat there cradling and calming his broken little brother in his arms, all he could think about was what had happened while he was gone. While he was down in the pit something had taken a hold of Sam, in all the ways possible, and completely broken him. Physically he was holding Sam, but emotionally and mentally, he knew, at least right now, Sam was gone. What had, in four months, broken his little brother so badly that he might be unfixable? Dean didn't know, but was determined to do his best to glue Sam back together, no matter how many chick-flick moments and reassuring words it took.

"I'm back now Sammy and I'll never let you go again. I'll make it better now." He whispered with tears running down his face. He knew that the chances of Sam actually hearing the whispered words were slim, but it gave him reassurance that maybe he could fix this. If he could fix this, fix Sam, maybe he could fix everything else too.

He was content enough to sit on the floor with his little brother for eternity but he knew that Sam had to be in pain. He waited a couple more minutes until Sam was silent except for the occasional sniffle, till he decided that it was as good a time as ever to get up.

"Hey kiddo, you think you can get up or do you want some help?"

For a moment Sam looked at him confused, until a look of realization followed by pain came over his face. He reached his hand up to him and Dean took it without hesitation. He hauled Sam up and took on most of his weight. He didn't realize until he was actually supporting nearly all of Sam's weight, just how little he weighed. It was almost too easy to carry him and that worried him.

"Almost there buddy, you're doing well, it's just a few more steps to go. Here I'll help you lay down then we can eat okay?" He whispered the words gently, not wanting to spook Sam with talking to loudly.

He watched as Sam nodded from his position on the bed before he went over to the table, where he had placed the bags of breakfast food. He wasn't paying very much attention, and before he could think about it, he was seated back next to Sam on the bed. He somehow knew that at that moment it was what Sam needed, and he acted accordingly. Right now, Sam's needs came before everything else and if Sam wanted him by his side, then he would be.

As he sat there eating his own breakfast, he could only wonder what was going to happen next. He watched as Sam ate his fruit with a look of both confusion and fear on his face. He knew that soon enough the truth would have to be revealed but wasn't sure if he was ready. He was scared of what exactly Sam would reveal to him. Would he blame Dean or would he blame himself? In the situation, Dean would take all the blame without hesitation if that somehow would fix Sam.

Though lost in his thoughts he could still feel Sam's eyes on him, and he looked up. He watched Sam as he seemed to search for the truth. Finally a look of realization came over Sam, and for the first time since Dean had returned there was a spark of hope in his eyes. Maybe, he thought, Sam would come out of this okay.

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**AN: So did you like it?!?! Tell me what you think. The next chapter is a little harder for me to write, but I hope to have it soon. Also it should have action!!! Yayyy. Anyways, please review....even if it's just one line. :)**


	7. Safe? Dean POV

**AN: Hey Ya'll. So Chapter Seven YAYY. Well for one thing I want to let you know that I started school last week, so it might be a little harder to write. I pretty much have the rest of this story planned out, but I still have to write it out fully. But just alerting you... Anyways, this chapter is a little different then my previous ones. This chapter is in all of **Deans Point of View**...aka first person, I originally wrote it in 3rd person..but had my amazing girl snsw25kr14 for helping me change it and make this story even better!! So be aware of that..and please enjoy.  
_P.S. Thank you to all those who have been reviewing...this is the best response I've ever gotten, and it makes me want to write that much better for ya'll. Please keep it up!!  


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_**Chapter 7  
Safe?

After we both had finished our breakfasts, I decided that we would need a break from hunting for a while. We would need some time to get to know each other again, and I knew that Sam wasn't in any shape to go on a hunt. I wasn't sure how long it would take to find my brother again, but I knew that it would take a while and for once in my life I was going to have to learn to have just a little bit of patience. Both of us needed a safe place to hold up for a while, a place that was comfortable and warm. Somewhere that Sam could begin to recover from living in his own hell for four months. There was only one place and one man that I trusted completely with both of our lives. I packed what little belongings we had in the room and dialed the all too familiar number.

"Hello?" A gruff voice answered.

"Hey Bobby."

"Dean that you? I didn't expect to hear from you again so soon. Everything is all right isn't it, with both you and Sam?"

"Well, that's why I'm calling. Something is up with him, but I'm not sure what. All I know is that he is in no shape to go back to the hunt, and we need a place to crash for a while….I was wondering if we could come and stay with you."

"Of course boy, you know you don't even have to ask. How long till you get here?"

"Well, we aren't that far away now, so we should be there by late tonight."

"Okay, well I'll see you then."

"Thanks Bobby."

After I hung up, Sam came out of the bathroom looking a little better than he had earlier that morning. I could only watch as Sam moved carefully to his duffle to retrieve some clothes and then watched as he headed back to the bathroom. Sam was still weak and completely exhausted. I knew though that we really should be staying another night or two, to allow Sam to catch up on some much needed sleep. However, as much as I wanted the nightmares to stop and Sam to be back to his healthy and annoying self, he needed time. In fact we both did, to find ourselves, find each other again. I wasn't sure what Sam's reaction to the sudden road trip would be, I figured he'd be okay with it, especially since where we were headed was to Bobby's, but just in case, I would have to make sure to give us a reason.

I was angry at everything anymore. Mostly at myself, even Sam. Sam had been forced to take the brunt of my anger, but he never pushed or pressured me to answer questions that I didn't want to. He simply sat back and watch as I slowly self destructed into a tiny million pieces. It wasn't for him to have to watch that every day. I wasn't being fair. Sam had gone through so much and maybe now I was just starting to see exactly what it was he had endured. "We're gonna head over to Bobby's, he has some information for us or something. So I figured we could stop by since we were so close and all. That okay with you?"

"Ya, sure. Just let me pack the rest of my stuff."

Sam's voice was quiet and that unnerved him more than it should. Factoring in that Sam hadn't had much sleep and only ate a few bits and pieces of food, could possibly account for Sam's sudden lack of interest, but I felt as if it were more than that. For now, though I would have to let it drop. Sam took only a couple of minutes, and then we were both walking out to the car. I went around to the driver's side, and took one last look at the motel. I was relieved to be leaving this place and hoped to not see it anytime again in the near future. This place had left too many wounds on already battered bodies and souls. I sighed as I got into the car, and pulled out of the parking lot without a look back.

As we set out I noticed that Sam was still looking worn out. I knew better then to suggest sleep though, because I knew that it was the last thing Sam wanted. The one thing I hated so much about being stuck in a car was the silence. Silence had a way of being two things, comforting or suffocating. As of now it was the latter and it was driving me insane. So I just turned up the music and pushed the gas petal harder to the floorboard.

The day went by with relative ease. We stopped for lunch and gas but got right back on the road. We were making good time, and needed to stop for gas one more time to reach Bobby's. I pulled off the side of the road at the next gas station I saw, anxious to fill up and be back on the road. Considering the late hour, and the stretch of road they were on, it was unsurprising that the place was devoid of any other cars.

I got out and started to pump the gas, as Sam got out. Sam mumbled something about a bottle of water and walked into the small convenient store. I warily watched him go, concern and worry probably showing on my face, although because of the situation I found I didn't care. I knew that once we got to Bobby's we would have to talk, and I only hoped that Sam would be willing. As I finished filling up the car, I stood by the driver door and waited for Sam to come back. As minutes passed I realized that it was taking to long for just a bottle of water. Knowing Sammy, he had most likely found more trouble.

I hurried to the trunk and grabbed my gun, and just to be on the safe side, Ruby's knife. I ran into the store, but found that the front seemed to be empty. I walked over to the counter and saw the cashier lying in a pool of blood. This wasn't good and I suddenly felt sick to my stomach as this scene seemed to be all too familiar to the one only two years ago. Almost automatically I went on guard, and listened with practiced ears trying to locate Sam. There were muffled voices coming from the back of the store and I carefully made my way towards the back. After listening harder I realized that one voice was Sam's but the other I couldn't place. Then it hit me and suddenly I was blinded by an instinct I hadn't felt in a while. An instinct that told me I had to protect Sam. I quickly grabbed the knife and started to advance from my hiding place when I finally registered what was being said.

"…realized I was right? Well I knew you would come around. I mean we got to know each other so well over the past four months. Or rather I got to know you."

"Got to know me? You tortured me you son of a bitch. I have lived through hell, and I am done with all of this. I'll kill you, and then figure out whether you were right or not." Sam said through barely contained rage.

"Sammy, Sammy, Sammy. Haven't you learned by now that you can't beat me? I will kill you just like I said. I'm done playing with you, so I figure we just end this right now. What do you say?"

At hearing this from Alastair I moved from my hiding place just enough for Sam to see me. As Sam spotted me his eyes got huge with the realization that the conversation had been listened to. I just held up the knife, and Sam understood what the plan was. As I got ready to advance on Alastair, Sam kept the focus on himself. I jumped, but at the last second Alastair saw. He made a move to run but Sam grabbed him and held him as I stabbed him in the back.

Alastair went down, and I inwardly sighed in relief. I looked up at Sam, but noticed that he was trembling with his head in his hands.

"Sammy, you okay man? Hey, talk to me. Sam!"

By this time the adrenalin was pulsing through my veins, instinct giving way. Something was wrong with Sam; it didn't take a genius to notice it. Sam was pale and beads of sweat dripped from his forehead. His condition that seemed to be worsening worried me. I gave him a slight shake but all I got in return was a slight whimper. I could hear low whispered words, but were unable to understand them, so I leaned in closer. As soon as I caught on to what was being said Sam's legs buckled and he plummeted towards the tile floor. I caught him before he hit the ground, and cradled him while trying to wake him up.

"Sam? Sammy, please wake up. I gotta see those big eyes of yours. Please, you gotta be alright man."

I realized soon enough though that Sam wasn't going to wake up soon, and knew that we had to get outta there. So I slowly hauled Sam up painstakingly hauled him to the car. Usually in these circumstances I would feel like my muscles were being shredded because of how heavy Sam weighed, but this time was different. This time it was like carrying a sack of potatoes…with maybe three or four in the bag. I hadn't realized just how much weight Sam had lost and one of my top priorities once everything was situated was starting the process of fattening Sam up again. I gently put him in the passenger seat and then rushed to get in myself. As I got back out on the road I called Bobby.

"Bobby? We got a problem. We ran into Alastair, and we killed him, but Sam's unconscious. Somehow Alastair had a part in making Sam the way he is. I don't know what to do….Okay….ya we should be there in about an hour, but I can cut it down to 45 minutes…that's fine, thanks Bobby. Bye."

As I hung up the phone I glanced over at Sam, and my worry went up another notch. He looked to be in the beginnings of a nightmare. The past few days had been hard, but I had a feeling the worst was yet to come. The only thing that gave me a little relief was the fact that we were safe from Alastair. Now, it was time to fix Sam.  


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**Okay...so how was it?!?!!? I hope you guys liked it, and just to let you know I am finishing up chapter 8, which is in Sam's POV. Please review or PM me and tell me what you thought...  
Lots of Love  
-lullabyJN**


	8. An Old Friend? Sam

**Disclaimer:** Sadly the brothers just stay in my dreams...

**AN: So I know I haven't updated in a while...but I'll let you read and explain at the bottom...if you even care..LOL! Again soooo sorry!! 3  
Hope You like to see the next point of view. But you Should probably re-read the last chapter to get get refreshed!!  
REVIEW....PLEASE!!**

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Chapter 8  
An Old Friend? (Sam)  
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I needed some time to think, so once I finished eating I went and mumbled to Dean about taking a shower. I quickly left, and retreated to the safety of the bathroom. Once inside, I turned on the water as hot as I could stand, stripped, and stepped in. As I was standing there, I relaxed for the first real time in days. I allowed the water to calm me down, and to clear my mind enough to allow me to think. I still wasn't sure how much hope I wanted to put into the thought that Dean really was back. What if it was a trick? I would surely not survive it this time, and I was afraid, afraid of that disappointment.

I wasn't sure what was going to happen either way, but knew that I would be seeing Alastair again soon. It was only a matter of time before we met again. I knew I needed to prepare myself, and to do that I couldn't fall asleep, because that is where we would most likely meet next. Sooner than I thought the water started to get cooler, and I decided I had been in there long enough. As I got out I realized that in my haste I had forgotten to grab a change of clothes. So I wrapped the towel around my waist and left the bathroom and went over to my duffel.

As I was grabbing his clothes I noticed Dean holding his phone in his hand, and watching me with a critical eye. I knew he was worried, so I refrained from calling him out on it. As I was walking back into the bathroom I wondered who Dean had been talking to, but shrugged it off knowing that if Dean wanted to tell me he would. I just took a couple more minutes to get dressed and go back out into the main room.

As I returned to the room I noticed that all of Deans stuff was picked up from around the room and raised a questioning eyebrow. Silently wondering what the new plan was. Dean seemed to know what I was asking, showing that even though we had been apart for so long we still understood each other to a certain degree.

"We're gonna head over to Bobby's, he has some information for us or something. So I figured we could stop by since we were so close and all. That okay with you?"

I was surprised that Dean was asking my feelings about it, but answered anyway.

"Ya, sure. Just let me pack the rest of my stuff."

I went around the room and quickly grabbed the few things I had left laying out. I took only a couple of minutes before I left the room in the state it was in before. I looked up at Dean and we both grabbed our bags and walked out of the room to the Impala. I got in the passenger seat, relishing in the feeling of once again riding shotgun. I waited, but didn't hear the Dean get in. I glanced over at him, and saw him looking towards the motel with an unexplainable emotion on his face. After a few moments I heard Dean heave a sigh and get in. Dean started the car and I took one last look back, knowing that I would always remember what had happened, and how it changed my life.

Once we started out on the road, I sat there in silence, waiting for Dean to try to talk to me, but nothing. He just turned his music up louder. I was beyond grateful for this, because I knew that I needed some time. I had a feeling that we were going to Bobby's for more than just some info about a hunt, and knew that something was going on. I wasn't sure what but I knew it was most likely about how I had been acting. I mean I couldn't blame dean for worrying, he probably thought I was crazy. I mean hell I think I'm crazy!

I sat there and continued with these train of thoughts staring out the window and watching the world pass me by. I had started to look at the world in a different way after dean died, but with him back, whether it was real or not, I saw it become brighter again. I wasn't sure if it would last, but I was gonna enjoy it with all that I had. It seemed like only seconds later when we stopped at some greasy diner on the side of the highway to eat and get gas. I didn't pay attention to my surroundings, but instead worked on autopilot. It seemed that no sooner had we sat down that we were getting back into the car and back onto the road.

The rest of the day continued to pass like this. Never once was there a conversation, but instead the blasting sound of Deans mullet rock. I laid my head against the window and just dazed in and out of awareness until our next stop.

As soon as Dean pulled into the desolate gas station I felt a knot in my stomach, and an immediate headache. I knew that nothing good could come of this, and that more trouble was on the way, but I tried my best to ignore it. I watched as dean got out and did the same. As he started to pump the gas, I mumbled to him that I was gonna go get some water, hoping that it would help with my head. I didn't wait for an answer and walked towards the little store, feeling Deans gaze on my back the whole time. I knew he was worried, but couldn't bring myself to care right at that moment.

I walked into the store, and gave a quick nod to the guy behind the counter, and made my way back to where the water was kept. I was pulling out a water bottle when I heard a loud thump come from the front. I looked up towards the ceiling, and saw a reflection of someone coming from the cash register. My hunter instincts immediately kicked in, and I slipped into the little back room, hoping to be able to catch the attacker off guard.

I waited, and faintly heard footsteps. I tensed as they got louder, and prepared myself to jump out knowing I had nothing to fight with. As the footsteps got right outside the door, I stepped forward, and got ready to strike. As soon as I saw who it was, I was forcefully flung back into the shelves lining the back wall of the room. I grunted and fell to the ground, slowly rolling up onto my knees and peeking up through my bangs to glare at the person in front of me.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Oh Sammy, I just wanted to come say hello. Come on don't act like you haven't been wondering about what I told you."

" That has nothing to do with this, and you better leave before Dean comes."

"Why? Is he gonna come save the day again? My, my Sammy, still hiding behind your older brother? I mean don't you remember what I did to him while he was in hell. What makes you think that I won't do it again?"

"You will never get anywhere near him again. I won't let you, you'll die first. Dean is back, and you will never be able to hurt him!"

"Oh, so you finally realized I was right? Well I knew you would come around. I mean we got to know each other so well over the past four months. Or rather I got to know you."

"Got to know me? You tortured me you son of a bitch. I have lived through hell, and I am done with all of this. I'll kill you, and then figure out whether you were right or not." I said through my clenched teeth, barely containing my rage.

"Sammy, Sammy, Sammy. Haven't you learned by now that you can't beat me? I will kill you just like I said. I'm done playing with you, so I figure we just end this right now. What do you say?"

As Alastair finished talking I caught slight movement from the corner of my eye, and subtly looked over, eyes widening as I saw Dean standing there. I knew he must have heard most of the conversation, and it scared me to know that I would probably have to explain earlier than I thought. All these thoughts left my head though as I watched Dean raise a knife, and instantly I knew what the plan was.

I looked back over to Alastair making sure he had seen nothing of my wandering eyes, and opened my mouth as if to respond hoping it would distract him long enough for Dean to sneak up from the back. Right as Dean made his move, I noticed Alastair shift his eyes a split second before he made to turn around, and make a break for it. Luckily my instincts were as sharp as ever, and I was able to predict his chain of thought before he could get away. I grabbed hold of him in a tight grip ensuring that he wouldn't get away, and watched as Dean stabbed him in the back, in the same spot that he himself had been stabbed over a year ago.

As if in slow motion I watched the quick flash of surprise in Alastair's eyes as he felt the knife enter from behind, but the next look quickly took over. I instantly recognized it from the many interactions we have had in the past, and knew what was coming next. As the pain first started to bloom in my skull, time seemed to catch up, and I lowered my head into my hands waiting as it slowly escalated to epic proportions. Faintly in the background I could hear Dean trying to talk to me, but I could only make out a couple words.

"Sammy…okay….Talk..me…Sam!"

I stood there trembling feeling sweat trickle down my back and forehead, whimpering quietly as the pain continued to escalate, even after I thought it couldn't get any worse. I felt Dean grab onto my arms, and as he started to shake me I whimpered louder as he only made my pain worse. I knew Dean had no idea about what was going on, but he needed to know or else I wouldn't survive. I tried my hardest to formulate coherent words through my pain muddled brain. I tried but the loudest I got was a quiet whisper.

"De, Alastair trapped me in my head. Help Please, Bobby."

I could only hope that Dean heard me because all of a sudden I didn't have any strength left in me, and I let myself go to the darkness hoping it would ease the pain. I was aware enough to realize that I never hit the ground and I knew that Dean had caught me. I tried to fight my way back but was unable to. I felt a sudden sway and knew that Dean had picked me up and was probably caring me back to the Impala.

I tried my best to hold on to Dean's presence, but felt myself slipping further and further into the darkness. To soon for my liking I no longer new anything of the real world, and once again found myself stuck in the suffocating darkness that held all my greatest fears. I once again felt a sharp stab of pain and found myself tied to a chair, with a screen in front of me.

Before I could control myself I felt tears start to fall, and knew that there was nothing that I could do. All of a sudden I started seeing every horrific creations of my nightmares. I watched Jess die again, and Dad die, and of course dean. I started to watch the first of the dreams that had gotten him to where he was now. I tried to get out of the chair, but knew that no amount of pushing or pulling would get me out.

As I continued to watch I kept one thought running through my head, my one piece of hope, Dean was out there, and that Dean was going to save him. I was sure of it.

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**AN:** Ok...so I am not sure any of you care, but I feel that you deserved an explanation of my extremely extremely long absence. I am just going to start off by saying that I didn't forget about this story, and I do plan on finishing it. But after the previous chapter, I just wasn't sure what to do anymore. I lost my love for this story, and just hit a really bad writers block. I didn't want to post up a chapter just because, and have it be utterly horrible. SO I waited, and I am slowly starting to get back into it! But be warned that I will not all of a sudden start whipping out chapter..lol. I'm not that good! But I promise to not leave it for as long as I did before. Hope ya'll enjoyed it, and are willing to stick with me!!  
LOTS OF LOVE  
-lullabyJN


	9. Friends and Explanations

Bobby was sitting on his front porch when he heard the distinct sound of the Impala coming up the road towards his house. He stood up and watched as Dean drove up and quickly came to a stop. Bobby ran down the steps and met Dean at the car, watching as he pulled open the door and started to gently take Sam out of the car. Seeing the way Dean was struggling Bobby went over and grabbed the unsupported side of Sam. Together they quickly got him up on the porch and inside the house. They made a decision to take him up the stairs to the guest room not knowing how long he would be unconscious, so he would be more comfortable. After a lot of pulling and maneuvering they managed to make it into the guest room, where they slowly laid Sam down on his bed.

Bobby watched as Dean took great care with setting Sam up under the covers and safe. He only saw this side of Dean when something was wrong with his little brother and it always warmed his heart. Bobby waited until Dean was done before he nodded his head towards the bedroom door and left knowing he would follow. Not a moment later he heard Dean follow him down the stairs and into the living room.

"You want a beer?"

"Yea, thanks Bobby."

After Bobby retrieved the beers he sat in the chair across from the couch where Dean was currently seated. He watched Dean for a moment marveling at the connection the boys still had even after having Dean been gone for four months. Bobby noticed how much older Dean looked and knew that what was wrong with Sam wasn't doing him any good either. So he cleared his throat and waited for Dean to look up before speaking.

"So what happened now you idjit?"

Bobby just watched as a small smirk crossed Dean's face before he took a deep breath and visibly deflated. Without looking up at him, Bobby watched as he opened his mouth to speak knowing that whatever was coming wasn't going to be good.

"Well, it all started the day we separated after I first came back. Sam woke up, but I knew something was off. Next thing I know he had a gun pointed at his head. Luckily I got there in time and it only got him in the leg. From there though it just got worse."

Bobby watched as a haunted look came over Dean's face and knew that his was affecting him just as much as Sam. While waiting for him to collect himself and continue Bobby could only hope that he had an answer to the problem they were now facing. He looked up at Dean again just as he opened his mouth to continue on.

"Sam is hurting and I don't know why. He hasn't talked or said anything about it at all. But then today we stopped for gas, and I realized that he had been in the store for to long. So I went I and caught the end of the conversation between Sam and Alastair. I stabbed him, but he must have done something to Sam. Sam said that Alastair trapped him inside his head, and that I needed to come to you. So here we are. I know that whatever is up with Sammy had to do with Alastair, but I'm not sure what exactly went on while I was in hell. Do you have any idea how to get Sammy back?"

Bobby sat there not sure how to respond to what he had been told about Sam, but knowing that he would have to find a way to help.

"Well Dean, this could be a lot of things. But with a powerful demon like Alastair, I'm guessing it's some kind of curse. I'll have to do some research to check out a couple of ideas, but either way I know this won't be good, and it will be hard to get Sam back, but not impossible. Why don't you go back and sit with him while I get out some books. I call you when I got some food."

Bobby sat there a moment after Dean left thinking about where he would start first. He had many ideas but knew he would not stop till he finished helping as much as he could. He went over to his coffee table and grabbed a book before going into his kitchen. He set it one the table and began to read when he heard Dean.

"BOBBY!!!"

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As soon as Dean got off the phone with Bobby he was speeding out of the gas station parking lot and onto the road leading out of town. He drove as fast as he dared, knowing that

this would only get worse with time, and he needed to get to Bobby's.

He made it in good time, and let out a breath he didn't know he was holding when he saw the familiar house come into view. He looked up at the house for a moment letting the relief course though him before he got out of the car. He quickly went to the back of the car to get Sam out when he heard Bobby come up. He carefully started to pull Sam out of the car, sending a thankful glance when Bobby helped him.

Dean followed Bobby's lead and they quickly got Sam up into the guest room, where they usually stayed while visiting. Bobby helped Dean get Sam onto the bed, but thankfully slipped into the background. Dean gently moved Sam so that he was lying on his back and under the covers. He stared for a few moments and saw a side of Sammy that he had missed all that time he was gone, a vulnerable open brother that he only remembered from their childhood. He brushed his hand through his hair and just let it rest there for a moment, before slowly turning around to face Bobby. At the slight nod of his friends head, he took one last look and followed him out of the room. They made their way to the living room, and as they sat down Dean tried to organize his thoughts because he knew he needed to explain to Bobby.

He wasn't sure where to begin after Bobby's question, so he just started at the beginning. He explained about Sam's reaction, the gun, the wound, and the egg shells he has been walking on since it all began. He looked up knowing that this next part was going to be the most important and took a deep breath before continuing. He explained about Alastair and the message Sam relayed and his suspicions about all that was going on. And finally he looked up to his friend and asked what he could do to help.

Dean watched as Bobby sat there digesting all this new information, and felt as though a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He knew that he had someone to rely on and that made all the difference. Finally though Bobby explained to him that he would do some research and listened gratefully to the encouraging words. At Bobby's gentle command he got up off the couch and headed back up to the guest bedroom, and his little brother.

As he climbed the stairs he realized that while it wasn't going to be easy, with both him and Bobby, Sam would have a greater chance to make a full recovery. As he finally made it to the guest bedroom and opened the door, his hopeful thoughts were forgotten. He looked at Sam, and after a moment of shock he screamed for help, while running to his best friend, his little brother.

"BOBBY!!!"

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AN: Hope ya'll liked this! Review if you want…if not that's fine to. Thanks for reading!

Lots of Love

-lullabyJN


	10. Slowly Slipping Away

**disclaimer: sadly this is still for my own amusement, and I own nada..nothing...zilch...SIGH!!**

**AN: So this is the next chapter. I am going to warn you though, and tell that there will be a flashback/memory in this chapter. Now I wrote this whole chapter except that part. I took me three days to get it good enough to post. I found it much harder than I expected for some reason, so please go easy on me there =D I hope ya'll like it.  
P.S. I just finished typing this, but I wanted to get it up, and I only did the spell check on the computer, so sorry for any mistakes!**

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Slowly Slipping Away

_Previously (SAM): I watched Jess die again, and Dad die, and of course Dean. I started to watch the first of the dreams that had gotten me to where I was now. I tried to get out of the chair, but knew that no amount of pushing or pulling would get me I continued to watch I kept one thought running through my head, my one piece of hope, Dean was out there, and that Dean was going to save me. I was sure of it._

As Sam sat there and was forced to watch the horrors of his past, he kept up his hope that Dean would stop it soon. But as the show continued on he started to slowly lose his hope, and knew that he could not hold on for much longer. Just as he was starting to lose himself, he let out a sigh of relief as all again went dark, signaling the end of the current torture.

But by this time Sam was exhausted and running low on hope of a rescue. He had stopped trying to free himself from the chair knowing it was of no use. As the darkness continued so did the silence, causing Sam to suffer another kind of torture. The fear of being alone. He was alone with only his thoughts, and after all that had happened the last few months he knew that this was not a safe place to be. He was unaware of how much time had passed while sitting in the darkness, because though it felt like years, he knew it was probably only a matter of hours. Even as time continued on he kept the candle of hope burning knowing that help was coming, but maybe not fast enough.

Sam was so lost in his thoughts, that he didn't notice at first the faint speck of light. As it slowly grew larger, he took notice and watched curiously as it enveloped him and the darkness. It was so bright that he closed his eyes and turned his head only to open them when he sensed a change in his surroundings. He cautiously looked around him now and found himself in a hallway. As he examined it with his eyes it slowly came to him where exactly he was, and he knew that the worse had yet to come. He closed his eyes letting out a sigh before opening them again and taking a closer examination of that around him.

He knew his hallway, because he had seen it before. He had seen it in his dreams, and it never changed, with the exception of adding more doors covered in locks, some more so than others, depending on what lay inside. This hallway was one that he had created in his mind many years previously. It was where he kept every bad memory from his past. As far back as he could remember he would add doors onto this hallway and lock up every bad thing. These doors even included the horrific memories of the past 4 months, his own living hell. Sam knew that all these doors held back pain and that was exactly what he was afraid of. He wasn't sure how much more he would be able to take, before he broke beyond repair.

As soon as this thought passed through his head Sam fought for all he was worth trying to free himself. He fully grasped what was to come, and didn't…couldn't face it. He tried to break free until he had no strength left, and even then he didn't stop. But as a loud creak was heard coming from down the hallway he froze, and slowly lifted his head a sense of dread coming over him.

Sam sat there frozen in both shock and fear as a door on the far end of the hallway slowly started to unlock. He watched as the three locks started to click and as the knob started to turn. Sam was unsure as to which particular memory this certain door held, but knew that it wasn't pleasant. His breath caught as it slowly creaked open, and he waited not able to tear his eyes away.

The doors suddenly flew the rest of the way open with such a force that every door shook on their hinges. Sam watched a figure emerge from the door, and walk towards him. As the figure walked closer Sam choked back a sob as he found the person to be none other than Alastair.

"Hello Sammy. Nice to see you again, though I have to admit this was definitely not what I was expecting in here. But it'll do just fine. So what do you say we let the games begin." He snapped his fingers and disappeared leaving a scared young man behind, alone and waiting.

As sudden as the door had opened it closed and a white-hot pain erupted behind Sam's eyes. It slowly dissipated and as it did, Sam opened his eyes only to close and re-open them several times in surprise. He found himself immersed in a day that he had tried to forget, and for good reason. It was long ago when he was only 17, and he was out on a hunt with Dean. He remembered the day perfectly.

_"Hurry up Sammy, we have to get a move on" Dean yelled standing in the doorway._

_ "Coming!" Sam yelled back._

_ Sam quickly grabbed the bag he had been packing and hurried over to the door Dean had just walked out of. He was anxious because this was their chance to prove to their dad that they could do okay on their own. Sure they had been on hunts by themselves, but this hunt was all them. They did the research and were now off to kill what they had learned to be a wendigo. They put there gear in the car and turned around as they heard their father approach._

_"Good luck boys. Keep each other safe okay?"_

_"Yes sir" Both brothers said at the same time. They got into the car and drove off leaving their father behind.  
_

_ The drive was not far to the campsite where the campers had gone missing, and to soon for Sam's liking they pulled into the parking lot. They both got out, and after scanning their surroundings, went to the trunk of the Impala and opened the false bottom. They got out a bag each and filled it with water, first aid supplies, and flare guns to kill the wendigo. Then off they were to start their long trek into the wilderness._

_ After walking for a little under an hour, they came to the old mining shaft that they had determined to be its lair. They quickly checked their flare guns, and quietly entered the cave with Sam following Dean as he always had. They both stayed alert, and continued deeper into the caverns with no trouble at all. Finally they made it to the opening to the center room. It was large and round, where all the caves converged. Knowing that the wendigo was a great hunter, they resorted to using hand signals to organize themselves so as to stay as hidden as possible._

_ Sam followed Dean's instructions and started down the right side, as Dean went left. It was pitch black and they only had the light of their small flashlights. Sam was moving slowly when he felt the air stir. He stopped for a moment but after feeling nothing else he continued on. But not a moment after he started walking again he felt the air move around him again, and before he had a chance to react he was flung across the vast room. He let out a yell as he hit the opposite wall and fell to the floor. He vaguely heard Dean yell his name, as he focused on trying to find his bearings in the dark room. After a few moments he was able to force himself to stand up while leaning on the wall. Only seconds after getting on his feet he felt Dean grab onto his shoulders steadying him. By the light from both of their flashlights he could see Dean's concern._

_ "Sam….Sammy are you okay? Are you hurt?" Dean asked in a harsh whisper._

_ "Calm down Dean, I'm fine, just got the breath knocked out of me." Sam quickly lied knowing that he could deal with it until the hunt was over._

_ " But that's the least of our problems. It's hunting us, we need to get out of here." _

_ Dean nodded his head at Sam and after a moment of debating he decided that they would have to leave and come back later. After making sure Sam was okay to walk they grabbed their bags, and again set out with Dean leading. They were almost back to the path leading back outside when the hairs on the back of Sam's neck stood on end. Before he even had the chance to yell out to Dean he felt a sharp burning pain on his side. _

_ He fell to the ground with a sharp yell, and tried his hardest to back away towards Dean. The wendigo was preparing to strike a fatal blow when Dean ran in front of him taking the hit in the shoulder. Even with the injury Dean shot the flare gun with perfect aim. He stood a moment watching it burn before turning around and making his way back toward Sam who was lying on the ground. _

_ "Sam? Crap, you're bleeding pretty badly there. Just hold on a sec buddy, and I'll fix ya right up." Dean finished this statement as he was digging through his pack pulling out the first aid kit. He slowly checked Sam's wound and cleaned it before dressing it. By this time Sam was weak and tired from blood loss. Dean quickly slowed the bleeding of his shoulder injury and taped a dressing over it, knowing that he didn't have any time to waste and needed to get Sammy back. He re-packed the bag and quickly helped a more coherent Sam up._

_ "Dean?"_

_ "Ya Sammy, it's me. I gotcha don't worry."_

_ "Wendigo? Dead?"_

"_It's dead Sammy, we're heading back to the car, and then home so we can get you checked out, okay?"_

_ "What 'bout you Dean? You're hurt too."_

_ "I'm fine kiddo, just a scratch. Now why don't you help me out here, we got a ways to go."_

_ Even as Dean said this, he still felt the blood seeping through his half hazardly placed bandage. But his main concern was Sam, and getting him back to safety. He held on tight to Sam, as he stumbled along beside him. As they continued walking Sam lost all sense of time, and only caught bits here and there, as he slipped in and out of consciousness due to both the blood loss and the concussion from earlier. He remembered getting into the car, and Dean talking to him telling him to wake up, but then knew no more._

_ The next time he woke up he was in the room he shared with Dean in their small apartment. He realized that it must be late in the night, and that everyone was sleeping. He turned over on his side to face Dean's bed, only to be surprised when his dad was sleeping in a chair with his head near his legs, and Dean sleeping facing him as if still protecting him. Sam smiled a small content smile and fell back into peaceful sleep. _

_ The next time he woke up it was morning, but it was to quiet. He quickly opened his eyes, and slowly sat up. Once the dizziness passed, he was able to clearly take in his surroundings. He looked around, and his eyes fell on his dad, quietly sitting beside Dean, running his hand through his short-cropped hair. Sam was surprised that Dean was not awake and sitting by his bedside, and after watching his dad for a few moments he grew worried._

_ "Dad? What's wrong? What happened?"_

_ As soon as Sam said this his fathers head shot up, and he quickly stood up making his way over. He steadied Sam, as he was still a bit woozy, and did a once over checking to see if he was alright, and checking his wound. _

_ "How are you Sam? You feelin okay?"_

_ "I feel fine dad considering, but what's wrong with Dean? He was fine when we were coming home. At least, that's what he said. The wendigo got him bad didn't it?"_

_ "Ya son it did. It tore his shoulder up pretty bad, but that's not what's worrying me. I got that sewed up, but it seems as if an infection has already set in. He must not have cleaned the cuts right away. He started running a fever about an hour ago." _

_ "But….he's gonna be okay right Dad?" Sam had a feeling that Dean put off his own injuries to help him out, causing him to get sick. He wouldn't be able to live with himelf if something happend to Dean.  
_

_ "I hope so son I really hope so."_

Sam opened his eyes as the memory abruptly ended, but that didn't matter because he knew what cam next. There were a few tense days where they were unable to control Dean's fever, but after the third day it slowly started to come down. It was another three days after his temperature had come below of dangerous levels that he finally woke up. Sam remembered those as some of the longest days of his life. Especially because he knew that it was his fault.

Sam came out of his reverie as he felt a sharp pain in his side, and he looked around in surprise, realizing that he was back in the hallway again. He looked down to the source of his pain, and gasped in shock, as he saw 3 huge gashes on his side. They were in the exact same spot as they had been all those years ago. Sam could only watch as the blood slowly seeped through his inner and outer shirts. He looked up startled as he heard footsteps coming down the hall.

"Well, well, well Sammy that was some show. I mean who knew you had it out for Dean. Always getting him hurt, almost killed. Tsk tsk Sam, that's not very brotherly."

"You son of a bitch. I don't hurt him on purpose, he's my brother! I would never do that, I love him, something you would never understand." Sam yelled at hearing the accusations. Though in truth it was something he had noticed over the years. It was something that always weighed on his mind. Was he really the reason Dean was alwwys hurt? Agai Sam was snapped back to "reality" but this time by Alastair.

"Now, now Sammy, I'm just showing you the truth. I know you think about what Dean could have had if it wasn't for you. But well I thought it would be fun to show you what he got instead. I mean always trying to save your pathetic ass, and instead getting hurt himself. So self-sacrificing. Though I have to admit it was very entertaining to watch. As for that little cut on your side, well that's just a little consolation prize for playing the game. Let's hope the next door isn't something too horrible, because it would be a shame if you died before I had my fair share of fun. Now you ready to go another round?"

With this last statement Sam watched as Alastair once again disappeared. He knew that the memory he just relived was one of the tamer ones he had locked away, and only hoped that Dean and Bobby would save him before the things he had hoped to forget consumed him. He looked to the left as he again heard a door unlocking. He fought against his restraints, but only managed to aggravate the gashes in his side more. As he sat there gasping through the pain he could only pray that he would survive long enough to be saved. He let out a choked sob as the door slammed open. His head erupted in pain, as he was again lost in things of the past.

DWDWDWDWDWDWDWDWDW

_Previously_: _As he finally made it to the guest bedroom and opened the door, his hopeful thoughts were forgotten. He looked at Sam, and after a moment of shock he screamed for help, while running to his best friend, his little brother._

_ "BOBBY!!!"_

Dean ran over to Sam's bed and watched for a moment as blood slowly seeped through his shirts. He quickly removed the sheet over Sam, and his T-shirt revealing three large gashes bleeding profusely. He quickly started to apply pressure when he heard a gasp behind him.

"My God! What the hell happened Dean?"

Dean quickly turned around not even noticing that Bobby had come in. Looking back and forth between Bobby and Sam, Dean didn't know what to say.

"I don't know Bobby. I just walked up here and he was bleeding. It looks like something attacked him. But how could that have happened, he hasn't gone anywhere. What the hell is happening here Bobby?"

"I don't know son, but it might have to do with whatever Alastair did to him. Come on lets get him fixed up before he loses to much more blood, then I can get started on my research. This might help speed things along."

Dean gave Bobby a look of desperation, and Bobby knew that they had to figure this out soon. Sam was already slipping farther and farther away from them, and he knew that if they lost Sam, then _he_ would lose Dean.

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**AN: So how did you like it? Was it everything you wanted it to be and more? I hope so!! Feedback would be great....good or bad (constructive please!) Thanks for reading...please hit that magical button down below!!!**

**Lots of Love  
-lullabyJN  
**


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